Today was very stressful. I took two tests (one of which I'm sure I failed), ate a GIANT lunch, skipped Tae Kwon Do, and didn't even get to exercise in fitness today because we had our exam (the test that I failed). In fact I haven't exercised since Tuesday (two days ago). This scares me and makes me anxious. My mind immediately goes to "BAD, You are going to gain weight now!" which frightens me since honestly, RIGHT NOW I WEIGH MORE THEN I EVER HAVE IN MY ENTIRE LIFE (and not in a good way). I have a 23.2 BMI which is pretty damn close to overweight... Or at least to me it is...
I know that I should be fighting against the voices telling me that I'm fat and such but honestly I know that it is kinda true. I'm not as skinny as most of the girls in my grade. Sure, I'm smarter and faster and I've got more endurance and I can beat them all up if I wanted to cuz come on, who else is a black belt? but none of that seems to matter. All that I can focus on is the physical aspects, the size of their breast, the style of their hair, the thickness of their waist, the brand of their clothes... I shouldn't care but that's all my mind can focus on.
It's like a magnet and I'm a piece of metal. I'm being drawn back into old habits. For example this month I began to calorie count again. AGAIN!!! I thought that I had stopped last year! I mean once I started intuitive eating… Well, a lot of things have happened since then (mainly me gaining an unneeded 15 pounds and going back on exchanges with approval from my doctor and nutritionist to lose that weight) but I need to stop dwelling on my weight. If I ever want to get rid of TED (Terrible eating Disorder because my dad’s first name is Ed) then I must stop focusing on my appearance and settle for being content and comfortable with myself. I have to stop worrying about my weight and how much I’m eating and exercising each day.
In fact, this week I stopped exchanges for exactly that reason. I decided that since I am at a healthy weight I’m not going to worry about losing more weight until I can be happy and accept myself for who I am. Maybe when I reach that stage I will realize that I do not need to lose weight. If I still feel uncomfortable with my body even then maybe I will try to lose those 10 pounds but until then I want to try and get my mental health back on track.
Currently, my problem isn’t with restricting and eating too little, it’s not even with purging. Recently I’ve been over eating and occasionally binging. Not noticeably, only on about 1000 calories and only about 3 days a week. So far my nutritionist has passed it off as me over reacting to eating normally but I’ve been intuitively eating since September and I know that cramming 1000 calories down my throat right before I got to bed is not normal for me, even if it’s not affecting my weight. I’m sure that if I continued to do it then my weight would slowly start to climb, I mean I only started mini binging about two weeks ago.
The reason that I binge is pretty clear to me. I see myself in the mirror, look at the lump in my stomach and go “I’m so fat. If I’m such a fatass then I might as well be able to eat what I want” and then I go and cram myself full of sugary snacks and fatty desserts. And then the next morning I feel really guilty, look at my stomach and distort it so that I look fatter, feel the self-pity and do it all over again. It’s just a vicious cycle that isn’t helped by the stress from school and also from my parents.
The other problem I’m having is obsessive exercise. I’m not overly exercising but whenever I exercise I tally up calories burned in my head and I calculate how much I need to exercise to lose weight. And then if I don’t get to exercise for that time period or that intensity I have a panic attack. As in I start crying and hyperventilating and freaking out. Literally. No matter where I am, no matter who is there. That’s the reason I avoided Tae Kwon Do today. I didn’t go because if I don’t exercise then I don’t count overall net calories for the day (at least it worked today and yesterday).
So yeah… There you have it. All my screwy problems laid out for the world to see (or more like read).
On to the fun parts of my day! Here is a list of positive things that kept me going:
1. In chem class we made slushies. Yes we had to shakes a bag full of ice for 20 minutes and yes my hands froze and yes I didn’t even get to eat mine, but still. SLUSHIES.
2. I had tater tots for lunch. Tater tots + Riley = yummy in my tummy!
3. I baked a pie. A chocolate chip cookie pie. It is for English class tomorrow and I plan to devour a slice with no guilt. NO GUILT. And no guilt means no reason for binging which means no binge.
4. I went to H Mart. What is H Mart you ask, well H Mart is a Korean grocery store chain found throughout the US. It is AMAZING! They have every food imaginable except in Asian form. I love it. (I guess my love of all thing Asian comes from my mom being Korean, lol)
5. I finished a magnificent book. It’s called Hacking Harvard by Robin Wasserman. It rocks. Totally. Knocked my socks off. I am not joking.
6. I didn’t binge. Nope. I didn’t.
Yeah… I’m gunna wrap up now cuz I kinda got to go to bed. I mean, I do have school tomorrow… I promis that in my post tomorrow I’ll add a picture of my wonderful pie (that is if I remember to before it disappears into the bottomless pits that I call my friends).